I realize that however long I use this blog, the probability that someone will actually read it is slim to none. Regardless, I need to get some frustrations out and it's cheaper than going to a therapist lol.
A lot has changed for me over the last year. I was supposed to be planning my wedding. I had already picked out a wedding dress (online at least), I knew when I wanted to have it, and I knew what colors I wanted to use. We had planned how we wanted our reception to be. I was supposed to be living my happily ever after. But I'm not, and that was my choice. I left him a month before he was going to propose. When you spend that much time with someone and think that you're going to spend the rest of your life with them..only to have the love goggles taken off and see things that you 'overlooked' before..it sucks. I questioned myself for months wondering if I'd made the right decision. He went to therapy to work on issues..and I wondered could I see myself with him again? Could we work on the things that were 'non-negotiables' to me? I didn't know. I loved him with all my heart..but I couldn't take the chance of raising my daughter around someone whose mind was so set in one way. I made myself go out with other people to get over him..but he still called and texted me..trying to get me back. I told him that I would always love him..but that I wasn't 'in love' with him anymore. I hated myself for doing that to him..but I knew I couldn't let him keep living thinking I was coming back one day..when I knew I wasn't.
He had a new girlfriend 2 months later...
I was so unsure of myself for a while. To be honest I still am. And then I met Seth*. I met him on one of these online dating sites. At the time, I was working 30ish hours a week and then going home to take care of my daughter. I had an apartment to keep up. I had bills to pay. I didn't have time or know where to meet single guys my age. So I gave online dating a whirl. There were the usual weirdos at first..and then I saw Seth. He was what I was looking for. He was tall, gorgeous smile, and he was wonderful with kids. Only way I know the last part was because he had 2 kids of his own. We talked in emails and then started texting and before I knew it we were going to a movie on our first date. There was an instant spark between us. Anyone could have seen it. It was a Thursday night and the movie got out around 11ish. We stayed in the parking lot talking until after 4 in the morning. Did I have to be at work at 9:30? You bet. Did I care? Not at all. I didn't want to leave. His arms around me holding me close, felt so right. I had never felt that way for someone so quickly..not even my ex. Little did I know the roller coaster ride I was in for.
We lasted for a month. And he told me that he felt like I'd lied to him about something..I hadn't. He just didn't trust anyone. He told me that his ex had screwed him up in the head. I told him that it wasn't fair to make me pay for someone else's mistakes. Just because some other girl had screwed him and his kids over...didn't mean I would. I had gotten his little girl a birthday present. A charm bracelet. It had a megaphone for cheerleading, a ribbon for cancer for her mom, a tiara, and a heart with her name engraved on it. I knew I didn't have to, but I wanted to. I wanted to show him that I cared. Apparently that wasn't enough. I didn't hear from him for about 3 weeks. And then one day around Thanksgiving he texted me "I miss you". All those feelings came rushing back. I was already sort of seeing someone else, Greg*. And I broke things off with him to go back to Seth like a fool. It was always wonderful in the beginning. When I would go see him..he would pay attention to me. We would sit on the couch and cuddle. He'd hold me like I always wanted to be held. And then a couple weeks would go by and I'd want more of a commitment..and he'd say no.
We lasted until right before Christmas. About a month later, I went back to Greg..I don't know why I did. Comfort? Security? Lonliness? Either way..I did.
I'm the kind of person who always thinks that everyone is good and no ones going to hurt you...I need to lose that mentality. Because even the nicest person who swears up and down that they will never hurt you...will. Greg promised he wouldn't. He did. He didn't cheat. He didn't lie to me. But he did throw my past back in my face. And it's not that I have a bad past..he just threw Seth back in my face. I'd never felt the air knocked out of me without being kicked..until then. I ended things with Greg then and there. He came to see me at work on my last day there...trying to get me to take him back..it didn't work. I haven't seen him since. That was right before Valentine's Day.
A week later...Seth texted me. I had been out with my friends that night and had a couple margaritas. I looked at the text not knowing the number..and then it clicked. After a texting conversation that night..I went and saw him the next day. It had started again. All the feelings were still there. And strong as ever. There was even a night that I stayed with him and his little girl was there. We played hide and seek, tag, we played a game on her psp..she was adorable. She told me about her mom..I almost cried. She then told me that she wished I could move in so she could play with me all the time..and when I said that I didn't know how her dad would feel about me and my daughter doing that..she said well, I've always wanted a sister. I finally felt like things were falling into place. I was falling for him..and his family. I wanted a life with him. But there was just one problem..he didn't want one with me.
I finally ended things for good. I told him that it wasn't some fling for me..it never was. Kids were involved and it wasn't fair to them to keep coming and going out of their lives. I wanted to watch them grow up and I wanted to be there with him raising a family. But if he couldn't take that leap of faith and trust me..then I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be his "friend with benefits". I deserved better. His response? "Sorry." That was it. I was done. I cried myself to sleep that night. My heart was broken...
It's late so I'll finish this tomorrow..good night..
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